From Debbie, Friday October 26th

Dear Friends and Family,

Well, two weeks today. Life has certainly been different. In many ways, all of this seems surreal, like I am in a fog, watching things unfold in slow motion. In other ways, all of this seems too real, acute and unbearably painful. Mornings are particularly hard. Jerry and I were early risers, seeking coffee and our computers, reading the days news, discussing these events, Jerry boring me with Bulls "data", (I promised I would try to be a better fan in the future) and sharing breakfast and perhaps a walk before getting on with our day. Mornings are tough. I find great solace in LOUD music and have been trying to walk everyday.

All of you have continued to "circle the wagons" around me and has helped tremendously. Your calls, messages, notes, cards and emails continue to come and I am grateful. I feel your love. Thank you. Many of you are concerned about my future. Please don't be. In all ways, I feel that Jerry has prepared me very well to be standing right where I am. We had many, many conversations about this time in my life. We planned together. Of course, we just never imagined that this time would come so soon.

Many of you have been asking about Florida. As everyone knows, half of our life is in Florida and I have no intention of abandoning our life there. For security reasons, I don't feel comfortable posting on a public blog, when and where I will be living. Most of you know my current plan. If you don't email me, deborah0918@yahoo.com and I will fill you in.

Someone wise told me this about grief: "You can't walk over it, under it, or around it. You have to walk through it, until you get to the other side." No truer words were ever said. I feel like I am walking through fire, and recognize it is going to take a long time to get to "the other side". Many of you have been asking if I feel the "why me" question. I haven't and I don't. Instead, I have been focused on "why not me"? Sad, tragic, unfair things happen everyday. I guess I feel cheated. And I think Jerry got cheated. We got cheated out of more time. However, if our 18 years had instead been 80, I would have wanted more time. That I know for sure.

This will be the last post on this blog. The blog has served a good purpose. It was Tim's idea and he has done a great job with it. Lynne stepped in to help when Tim was traveling. She too, did a great job. I want to thank them both.

I've learned alot on this journey. I know I will continue to learn lessons from this journey in the future. I learned that God hears and answers the prayers of a sinner. I am thankful for that. My walk with God is certainly closer and stronger than ever before in my life. I am thankful for that. I have always appreciated my family. Now I appreciated them more. I have always appreciated my friends. Now I appreciate them more. I am fortunate to have known great love. I still have that love, just in a different way. I literally "feel" Jerry standing behind my right shoulder, whispering in my ear, continuing to love me. I have had the privilege to witness birth and death intimately. Each experience seared in my mind, beautiful, peaceful.

Please continue to pray for me. Pray for guidance on my new journey. I will continue to be thankful for all of you. We felt your love then, I feel your love now.

Love, Debbie

From Debbie on Saturday Morning 10/20/07

I'm at home in Bloomington, alone, but comforted as Jerry is everywhere here. Currently, I am listening to "The Music Man" soundtrack, very LOUD, just as Jerry would so often do with all music. Music has provided a great source of comfort, smiles and relaxation recently.

I was pleased to see so many of those who love us in the last many days. That too provided great comfort. I have also heard from so many of you who could not be here and we felt your love too. I am planning to come to Florida the week of Oct 28th for a few days. I feel the need to see many of you, but cannot tolerate any second formal service. Instead there will be a "gathering of friends", I will let you know where and when specifically in the next few days.

I feel your love,

Debbie

From Debbie, Monday morning

Dear Family and Friends,

I want to thank all of you for your caring and concerned thoughts and prayers throughout our seven week journey. Jerry and I were overwhelmed and truly humbled by your love. Your collective strengths held us up when we thought we could no longer stand. Your thoughts and prayers guided our every step. Your compassion inspired us. The words "thank you" are inadequate, but they are all I have and are most heartfelt. Our journey was long and hard, but we did have many gifts along the way, for which I am thankful.

During the time that Jerry was extubated (Sept 10-14) we were able to talk, laugh, plan, eat ice cream, sit in a chair, read the paper and be together. After reintubation, the road was harder, Jerry's body betrayed him and he suffered, as did I. The last several days he was not sedated. These days and nights were long and difficult. However, Friday every prayer was answered.

Time had finally revealed itself to us, which had been my steadfast prayer. I was grateful. Jerry was awake and very clear. His lips moved with ease and communication was restored. He was calm, confident and had no fear. His pain was less, and he requested no medication. His constant nausea had vanished. He was ready and so was I. We spent the day remembering our life together, our family and friends and the many "stories" that made up our lives with all of you. We remembered the places we had traveled and enjoyed and our many adventures. We remembered golf, turkey and dressing, chinese rock and roll and our first date. (I reminded him that he told me the dress I wore on our first date was "gastly", and he confirmed he still felt that way!) We remembered the many playful "nicknames" he bestowed on so many of those he loved. We remembered the many theater performances, concerts and modern art collections we had enjoyed. There were very few tears and many smiles.

Jerry always believed he would be reunited with his parents upon his death. Over our 18 1/2 years together, he spoke of his parents often and his belief of reunification with those you love. He always said, "Remember, time flies. We always say that, so I will be with them before you know it. TIme flies." Many times Friday, I reminded Jerry that "time flies" and this brought us great comfort and peace. I told him to go from my hands to the hands of his parents and I know he did just that. Few people could have the courage and conviction to make the choice that Jerry did. I assure you that Jerry was as amazing in the face of death as he had been throughout his life. Simply said, he was truly beautiful.

I am now at home in Bloomington, which has been wonderful. Jerry is present everywhere and that brings me great comfort. Our home feels like a "warm embrace" and I have no fears of being "alone" here. I do plan to be in Florida, but I am not sure when, or how long. A friend has mentioned hosting a "gathering" for me, as an opportunity to see many of you who cannot be with us this week. I am considering it, and will make a decision soon. Please continue to check the blog in the next week or two as the updates will continue.

In the past seven weeks, many of you have offered to do "anything" I need, and this has been helpful. In the future I may have more requests of you. Currently, I have only two.

First, my friendships with all of you are important to me. In spite of Jerry's physical absence, please continue to include me as you have always included us. Talk to me about Jerry, we will help each other to remember him. Bear with a few tears, as there are sure to be some, but they will be "good" and "brief".

Second, when Jerry was extubated he asked me, "Did all of this have an impact or meaning on our friends and family?" Of course, I assured him it did impact many. However, when he asked the question, he was getting better, and I thought his question was related to seeking good health, eating right, physical activity etc. Over the course of the last month I wondered if his question was more profound, as in "Did my life matter to our friends and family?" In an effort to let him know he indeed "mattered" to many I read your cards, notes and emails to him many times, ensuring him he was loved, admired and respected by many. Your cards, notes and emails impacted us both greatly. If you are able, send me a note, card or email and tell me what he meant to you. Tell me how he mattered. It could be a single word, a sentence, a poem, or a memory, a funny "Jerry" story,or a professional encounter. Many of you have already done this. You may email them, send them to our home in Bloomington, or Jerry's office. These notes will help me to take the next step on my journey.

Thank you all for everything. And please know, we felt your love then, and I feel your love now.

Love,

Debbie

Funeral Details

The visitation will be this Wednesday, October 17th from 2:00 - 5:00 p.m. at Evelyn Chapel at Illinois Wesleyan University in Bloomington, Illinois. The address is 1301 Park Street, Bloomington, Illinois 61701. The funeral will also be held Wednesday and will take place at 5:30 p.m. with a dinner to follow at Evelyn Chapel. Please click on the link below for a map of Evelyn Chapel.

Map of Evelyn Chapel (click this link for a map of Evelyn)

Flowers and memorials can be sent directly to Evelyn Chapel. Memorials in Jerry's name can also be made to the following charities:

Acute Respiratory Distress Syndrome (ARDS) Foundation

American Heart Association

For those needing hotel rooms, below is a list of hotels near Evelyn Chapel.

Candlewood Suites, 203 Susan Drive, Normal, IL, 309-862-4100, rooms starting at $109
Chateau Hotel, 1601 Jumer Drive, Bloomington, 61701, 309-662-2020, rooms starting at $129

Funeral Arrangements for Jerry

Funeral Arrangements will be Wednesday October 17th at Evelyn Chapel, Illinoise Wesleyan University. There will be a visitation, service and dinner following. Times TBA. Thursday morning there will be a private burial service at Park Hill Cemetary in Bloomington. I will post times and other details as they are available.

Again, if I can help answer questions or if you need anything regarding travel, please don't hesitate to call (cell # 630-707-8334).

Tim

Jerry

Friends and family,

It is with great sadness that I tell you that Jerry passed away last night. He was very comfortable and peaceful and Debbie was with him when he died. It has been a long road and we can all be thankful that he is no longer suffering. We are all fortunate that Jerry was able to make his own choices and he was very comfortable, confident, and not afraid.

Services will be in Bloomington this coming week, probably Wednesday. But I will post details as soon as they are confirmed. Check back here for details. If you have questions about travel to Bloomington, please contact me at timothympeters@gmail.com or call my cell 630-707-8334.

Thank you again for your continued prayers and support for Jerry and Debbie this past few months.

Tim

More setbacks

Dear Friends and Family,
This has not been a good week. Jerry is suffering miserably. The lung bleeding is a another setback. It seems that each week brings something new. I am trying to make his wishes known and heard, as I think this is all too much with a very uncertain outcome. However, all I can say is that when I bring up honoring Jerry's wishes, I am met with resistance. I am asked: "give it a few more days", "let's ask him what he wants" (which is immoral in my opinion as he as on a plethora of drugs and is surely not clear). On top of the fact that his future is very unclear. Please pray that my voice be heard. We love you all.
Deb and Jer

From Debbie.

Wed Oct 10, 2007 1:30pm

Today has been very tough. Jerry is MISERABLE to say the least. He is afraid, anxious, frustrated and angry, on top of being in pain and vent dependent. Compunded by the fact that he cannot commincate clearly. I am trying hard to figure out what he wants and needs, however alot of things he wants, to get out of bed, change hospitals, etc are not possible. So that is another frustration. Yesterdays CT scan showed more bleeding in and around the lungs. This will take several days to self absorb and until then he is in a holding pattern. More frustration. He is not as clear as he thinks he is, judgement is definitely impaired from all the meds etc. This is kind of what I have expected and been afraid of---- does he have the "will" to continue trying to get out of the woods, or is this all too much? I'm praying for an answer to this question.

I wanted you all to know we appreciat your continued support and we feel your love.

From Debbie on Tuesday afternoon....

Things are about the same. BP continues to do well with out the Lebofed. He is challenged with communication, pain and anxiety. His hemoglobin remains unstable and this is a concern. Today he will have a CT scan of the abdomen and lungs to look for possible bleeds. I am praying he does not have any further complications. He is also finding it hard to sleep so he spends alot of time feeling exhausted. Currently his mind is ahead of his body in the recovery and that is driving up anxiety, sleeplessness, pain etc. I understand this is typical for ICU patients. Typical but frustrating.

Specific prayer requests:

Pray that he does not have any further complications.
Pray that the CT scan is informative in guiding his care.
Pray for his anxiety to be reduced and sleep to improve.
Give thanks for another day to try to get well.

Thanks, we feel your love. Deb and Jer

Monday update, a productive weekend

I have been praying for "time to reveal itself" to us, or for "sure footing" and I think we have had some of that in the last several days. Jerry remains off of the Lebofed, for which I am thankful and pray that continues. He is frustrated as he is certainly very ill and in pain. He cannot talk with this type of trech, too weak currently to write, so communication is a real challenge and struggle. I let him know that he will get better, it won't be like this forever, etc. I reassure him that he will get better and we will go home to our old life and he will be a guy who has had a heart attack just like a million others out there. He seems dubious of all of this, but I constantly reassure him that he is loved and cared about by so many, read him your cards, notes and emails and let him know he does "matter" to many. Candace and the kids came yesterday to visit and the 4 of us went for lunch and family time for a couple of hours. Surely we will be a better family after all of this, and that is a positive outcome for everyone.

Specific prayer requests:
1. Gratitude for a feeling of "sure footing".
2. Continued prayers that Jerry will be comfortable and feel secure through this part of his recovery.
3. Continued prayer that he will not encounter any other complications, we certainly have had enough of them.
4. Prayer that our "old life" is now a light at the end of the tunnel. (with some new normals for sure)
5. Pray for him to get off the vent ASAP, as his lungs/ARDS are the most threatening to him right now.
6. Gratitude for all of you who have carried this burden with us, and to God for many answered prayers.
We feel your love.

From Debbie on Saturday afternoon

Sat 10-6-07 noon

From Debbie

Our prayers were mercifully answered, for which I am thankful, and the meeting with all of Jerry's teams was very informative. Jerry is literally "on the cusp" or at a possible turning point in his recovery. His main complications currently are the ARDS and sepsis. Frankly, 50% of people make it through this "storm", however, those that do resume near normal, very acceptable lives, certainly not without LOTS of rehab to get them there. Jerry is a remarkable person in that he has come this far. He must have an incredible will to live. I have struggled to know whether my own actions during this time have been courageous or cowardace, and conclude they have been both. Now is surely not the time for percipitous behavior, rather cautious intellect is what is needed now. I believe we will see some changes that will be guiding over the course of the next "many" days. Jerry remains more awake, and some of that is good. He cannot communicate well, or talk, but at times we are able to establish communication through gesturing. Surely he does not comprehend fully what has happened to him, but I reassure him that I am there, watching out for him, and have hope that he will get better, but recovery will be long and tough. I read and re-read your cards, notes and emails to Jerry and assure him that he "matters" to many. I tell him that you are all concerned and loving friends and family who have helped us carry this burden. And I assure all of you that, we feel your love. Love, Deb and Jer

Specific prayer requests:

Gratitude for an informative meeting yesterday.

Gratitude for some "hopefulness" in this dark storm.

Pray that Jerry will "turn the corner" in this ARDS-sepsis complication.

Pray that Jerry will be comfortable and lessen his suffering during this time.

Pray for strength and courage to handle whatever comes our way in the future, even if it is not what we ultimately want.

Friday update posted Saturday morning, more to come today

Jerry continues to struggle on many levels which is very frustrating. He is off the Lebofed now for two days and I am thankful for that. He is tolerating nutrition a bit better, we are also thankful for that. His sedation is lighter and he is "more awake". This is both good and bad, as he is quite uncomfortable, probably in pain, and cannot communicate or move well etc. Very tough. Breathing remains assisted through the trech and vent. His renal function continues to be compromise. Debbie and Candace did meet with the entire medical team yesterday afternoon. I will post more about this meeting as soon as I have that update from Debbie.



Prayer requests are that:

Jerry to be comfortable and not suffering.
Strength and acceptance of whatever lies ahead.
Thankfulness for all of the good things we have learned and experienced along this journey, of which there have been many.

From Deb....

Dear Family and Friends,
Once again I acknowledge that I don't know where this journey is taking us, or how long it will be. Jerry struggles daily, different systems require different treatments. He remains in a sedated "sleep", which may be best for now. I worry about the future, what will his life be like, will all of this be okay in the end? Simply, we don't know. When I pray, I never bargain with God, instead I ask, "carry this burden for us, reveal Your plan to us, and give us strength to accept what You know is best for us, even if it is not ultimately what we want." In many ways time has revealed itself to us, and we have received many acts of kindness and mercy for which I am thankful. All of you who continue to offer your prayers, love and support are daily examples of answered prayers. We look forward to receiving your notes and cards, emails and messages. Thank you and know, we feel your love.
Love, Deb and Jer

Wednesday morning status quo

Jerry is resting comfortably this morning after being trached on Monday. The trach is much more comfortable for him than the vent. He continues his dependence on lebofed and his pulmonary and kidney functions are not improving. A CT scan and echo were taken last night, please pray that these tests are informative and provide clarity to Jerry's caregivers so that they can determine next steps. Please continue to pray for strength for Debbie as she struggles through very difficult days.

I was at dinner with Debbie and Mom on Sunday night and she said she continues to be overwhelmed with the outpouring of support from family and friends. She mentioned that her email inbox has hundreds of emails. While she hasn't yet been able to respond, she very much appreciates reading them so keep 'em coming.

Positive Changes Today

Jerry has been off of Lebofed since noon today and his pressures are good. His sedation has been completely off since 10am. As I spoke to Debbie, he was starting to move his head around a bit.

They are going to try to trach him tomorrow. He seems to be tolerating OG tube feeding pretty well.

Specific Prayer Requests

1. Pray that he is able to get the trach tomorrow. We are hopeful that this will help get him moving faster in a positive direction.
2. Pray that he continues to be protected from further complications and infection.
3. Continued prayers for Debbie.

Sunday - No Changes

Everything is the same today. There have been no changes in settings or systems. He is still scheduled to be evaluated tomorrow to see when they might be able to do the tracheostomy.

Keep praying for protection of further complications and strength for Debbie to get through these long days.

As always they feel your thoughts and prayers and appreciate everything.

Saturday Update - More of the Same

Jerry's condition is virtually the same as yesterday. As Debbie put it, it will probably be the same tomorrow.

The weekend has been for trying to get him stable enough to do the tracheostomy. He will be re-evaluated Monday and she thinks that the procedure is a scheduled one, so it's not likely that it will happen on Monday. The are going to try for next week.

Debbie is asking again to pray that time will reveal itself and that the decisions being made about his care continue to be obvious. She is again thankful that all of the decisions thus far have been very obvious.

Friday Update - No Changes

There were no changes to speak of today. Jerry did not have the trach put in because they feared that he wasn't stable enough. They will try to get him more stable over the weekend and shoot for next week.

Debbie sounded really tired this evening. The days are very long and she is emotionally spent. Days with no forward movement are tough.

Pray that Jerry will be stable enough for the trach soon and pray for patience for Debbie.

Thursday Update - Small Victories Today

Jerry's blood pressure is doing a little better today. He's on the lowest dose of Lebofed that he has been on in several days. They are hoping to get him completely off soon. He needs to be off of that med to be trached tomorrow (so that is still tentative).

The sedation is a little less today because of his blood pressure being a little better. He is still on blood thinner and they are continuing to watch the blood clot and the lungs.

Dialysis continues with no problems, but the are still just keeping him balanced because of the hit his blood pressure would take.

Nutrition is another small victory. He has been able to tolerate feedings and has a little motility.

Specific Prayer Requests

1. Pray for Jerry to get completely off of the Lebofed.
2. Pray that he continues to tolerate feedings.
3. Pray for protection from additional complications.

Debbie sounds a little better. The doctors said that in the MICU small victories are what they are looking for. Let's hope this becomes a trend.

Wednesday Update

Jerry's medical picture is about the same. The overall picture is treatment for ARDS and sepsis.

He is back on the Lebofed as his body is still unable to keep his pressure up without it. They are working to get him off of it again today.

The vent settings reflect treatment for ARDS. He is a little less sedated today to see how he does. He will be on the vent for a while (weeks or months). The trach is still tentative for Friday. They are hoping that this will make him more comfortable and provide him a "turnaround" opportunity with regards to the pulmonary issues.

His hemoglobin level is better today and his red and white cell counts are reasonable. This is something to be thankful for. The leg clot is being treated with thinners and being watched closely. Amazingly, after 32 days of laying in bed, his skin remains in tact; another thing to put on the thankful list.

The dialysis continues without problem, but they are still not actively pulling fluid off of him due to the continued blood pressure problems. The fluid is staying balanced and the dialysis is supporting his kidneys until they decide to kick in again.

Specific Prayer Requests:

1. Stable blood pressure.
2. Receive and process nutrition.
3. Patience for a long journey.

The following is from Debbie:

Well, for certain our journey will be a long one. The move to the MICU has been a stressful one, more for me than for Jerry. He continues to receive excellent medical care which provides me with great comfort. I am thankful for that daily.

We have developed quite a "cheering section" from our team on the eight floor. We receive daily visits from 8th floor nurses, tech staff, housekeeping and doctors. It is wonderful to know that so many people are rooting for us. I'm thankful for that.

I find that some days are harder than others, I miss Jerry in so many ways, and find only comfort in being near him. I'm thankful for that. We receive your emails, cards, letters and voice mails and they are a treasure. Again, you have humbled and overwhelmed us, and we are thankful for all of you.

I ask God often to continue to carry us on this journey, however long it will be, and know he is doing just that. I ask that you continue to hold us in your prayers, as we surely need them, perhaps now more than ever. Please know, we feel your love.

Love, Deb and Jer